I've always thought that I'm pretty okay at communication, and a tad better doing it on paper rather than verbally.
Maybe I do suck at it after all.
It matters not that I have a "nemesis" of some sort in office. Nevermind the fact that he was the very first person to accompany me for lunch on my first day in this company. And that he does have a pretty interesting sense of humour
if he's in a good mood. And willing to converse with you.
Since then, all I can say is that we're like fire and ice. One cannot exist if the other is around. Apart from work-related issues (which I try to avoid as much as possible by going through my senior as the medium of communication), I feel invisible next to him. Or should I say..he takes it as though I don't exist. Unless, unfortunately, he has no choice but to address me. In which case, the tone is condescending and cool.
I've kinda long since given up on that. I used to show him respect even though his attitude to me was shit, but after a couple more direct and unnecessary hits that started looking more and more like he has a personal prejudice against me, I decided to stop trying to be nice.
And so, I've stopped. I just ignore him completely.
Next comes another problem, in the form of a colleague I used to be fairly close to. Well, at least, right at the start when I first joined the company. Strange, I'm starting to see a pattern here. I'm sure you see it too, if you're reading up till here.
"When I first joined the company...."Anyways. Lately, we've been having issues communicating to each other about things we want done. The conclusion is, after a rather heated and again, unnecessary, "argument", I find him too petty and a tad slow, whereas he has complained that I'm too impatient.
I agree with the impatience I showed last week; but did he ever stop to think about the thousand and million times I displayed godly amounts of patience towards him?
All the times I had to invent stories and excuses for clients because he couldn't give me what I needed. Lying to clients just so he could have that bit more time to finish up what should have long been finished. And when did I ever say anything when he had tons of work to finish, not enough time, and still went out for lunch? Over here, the unspoken but widely-practiced mentality is, if you can't finish your work and it's
urgent, don't dream about lunch. If you want lunch, eat at your desk.
Yes, I'm a complaining bitch I know, as I have been doing rather endlessly of late. I'm quite taken aback myself at how whiney and grumbly I've become. Don't think I like this; I don't. Not a single bit.
I no longer find much happiness in work. I no longer greet my clients cheerily over the phone and make small talk or laugh like I mean it. Now, I work at my table, hunched over in tension, frowning till I get frequent headaches. And every now and then, I have mini-arguments with colleagues. Usually the same one or two.
Why does it seem like I'm always the one trying to be nice, going out of my way to make life easier for them, when at the littlest bit of disagreement, they go complaining and hence, our work relationship is now affected?
I'm tired of doing things not within my jobscope. Maybe I sound like I'm making myself out to be better than I really am, but bottomline is, I'm really tired of grabbing hold of loose ends and glueing/tying them together, just so the relationship won't be so terse when there are disagreements. The moment I let go abit, it goes haywire.
Can't colleagues ever be friends? Can't he be more understanding? I rush him for work; you think no one's rushing me? He's not the one having to deal with promised deadlines. Hell, the deadlines he promise, he doesn't always fulfil. And does he get into trouble for that? NO.
When he needs some kind of help/suggestions, he doesn't ask. Then he goes and complains that I don't help him, I don't provide ideas, when I don't even
know that he needs those. Do I look like I read minds? Of course I know that I should do research and help out if needed, especially for difficult, new projects. But for a project he says he knows well, why would I think of asking if he needs help? Again, I'm no psychic. You want help, you jolly well ask for it. You have a mouth to complain, you have no mouth to ask?
I've been turning into a crybaby pretty often lately. And it's bad. I can't always put it down to PMS, cos' no normal girl PMSes for a whole month straight.
And when my over-sensitivity leads me to pick fights with my boy..that's not good at all.
He told me something last night that kinda broke my heart.
I know what he meant, of course..he doesn't like the way I behave and make a storm out of a teacup at times, especially lately. But he still loves me. So thank god for that.
I have headaches practically daily now.
When I meet friends and gather, I don't feel the spirit of..freedom. When I talk, they don't hear me. And I shrink into my shell, instead of repeating and making myself heard.
It's not a really good feeling..
And I'm starting to miss my daddy everyday. It's like back to when he first left us. I cried everyday.
It takes very very little these days to start the waterworks.
I wonder..where have I gone?
Maybe it's really time I should move on..regardless of plans that have been drawn up for me.
And sometimes I think to myself..wouldn't it have been better if I were the one to go instead of you?.. 
