My heart's beating ultra fastt for the longest time.

I hate the feeling of not knowing what happened. Yet, I don't dare to call you.

Thinking rationally, you should be alright since you're at your destination. And you managed to text me.

Arghhh that sms really scared the hell out of me. Really.

My mind just freaking blanked out for an entire minute before I finally replied. And great, I can't seem to remember what I texted back. I hope I made sense.

Then I sat on the floor and cried. Arghhh.

I'm damn emo I know, but this feeling seriously sucks. Hate it hate it hate it.

Seems that my blog's really a place for me to vent everything from anger to happiness to worries blah blah.

Ohmans I still haven't fully calmed down. *breathes deeply x infinity*

Please be totally alright..and not just okay..

i scribbled at
9:14 PM

I'm starting to get back into the habit of blogging frequently again. To the extent that I blog more than once a day!

Used to have such tendencies smack in the middle of exams as a way to destress. Haha.

Went to pose for shots at the esplanade in our convo gowns and mortarboards today! Silly me kept mispronouncing the latter, and ended up giving my dears alot to laugh about.

Of murtabaks and mortar hats.

I am one confused girl indeed. Hahaha.

Thankyouu jc for being our unofficial photographer! The sun was a killer and we were positively wilting in the heavy gowns. Looks like bern's prayer for good weather was a little too effective. =p

Finally know what it feels like to be a celebrity! There was this small group of tourists from chinaland who got so excited at seeing us in our academic gowns, they wanted to take shots with us.

And so they did. Shot after shot after shot! Madness I tell you. We should really have charged for those pictures! They took like more than 20 shots with us!!

I never knew just how attractive us graduates in the academic gown looked to them. Lol.

Attracted lots of attention on the way back to cityhall, cos' we couldn't find a washroom to change out of our gowns. And so, we walked the long walk back to cityhall amidst the crowd of office workers who just knocked off.

I was almost about to just stop on the pavement and remove the gown la. After all, I'm wearing clothes beneath what!! Really damn tempted. Maybe I should have. Then risk seeing headlines in tomorrow's papers. Hahaha.

Dinner was a little disappointing, and it was abit of a rush celebrating zhen's bday this year. But nevertheless, we had fun! I still can't help but laugh whenever I recall zhen's reaction at having 5 cameras pointed toward her at the same time. Hilarious!

Ohh! Donut factory has new flavours! They seem pretty yummy, though I haven't tried them. And there's like absolutely no queue whatsoever la. To think that for a moment, a couple of months back, I actually thought that perhaps this donut fad is one which can last past..well, just being a temporary trend. Guess not..

Punggol park was nice! And the mosquitoes stayed away from me. Yays. =) I just wish we could have sat on those swings though. I miss playground swings!

And I totally love the goldwing we saw! Chio to the max can! I just don't quite like the colour haha. Shit la, I'm getting drawn into this bike craze. Really can get highh seeing ultra stylo bikes lehh!

Even as I'm typing this, a sleepyhead has succuumbed to exhaustion. Haha. Your poor laptop's going to overheat la. Next time must set it on auto shutdown k!

Uh oh. I'm totally starting to have breakouts. Could hardly conceal everything today for the photoshoot. That just means my nightmare is arriving soon...yikes. Although I say I heck it..I know I'm going to regret this flippant attitude when the pain hits. Let's just hope and pray it'll be on a day when I have nothing on. *crosses fingers

Bloodtest and scope again tomorrow...sian. I don't likeee. =( But no choice, another what, 2 years more to go? Each time I go, I wonder if the results will turn out to be bad news. It's quite scary actually. Though I don't like NUH, and I don't like going for the checkups alone, I think if I ever face bad news *choy* it's better that I hear it on my own. Then I'll have time to sit down, cry, and think.

Wahlau what a morbid thought. Eeks. Shan't be so negative.

Just be happy! Me loved today!

Happiness is not by chance, but by choice. =)

i scribbled at
1:33 AM

It's not yet 1p.m, and already I feel pretty accomplished at having sent out quite a few job applications today!

Yippeee. =)

Shall take a break to blog before continuing with my jobhunt.

And I have, like, the nicest neighbour ever! She saved me the trouble of going out to buy lunch, cos' she brought food over again.

We get yummilicious food from her practically every week I think. Haha.

Simple joys in life! =)

I cheered up lots towards the end of last night. Pretty unexpected, but I'm glad we had that conversation and straightened things out.

Easier to say out than to keep it in right... =p

But yes, I think the direction we're following now is the right one! I'm happy you feel the way you feel, cos' things are great the way they are now. And I'm ultra touched by what I found out. Really. =)

Whatever happens from here, just wait and see la huh.

Life's pretty good to me after all! There are downs, but there are also ups to compensate for the sadness. =)

I did ask in my last last entry, why can't life be frozen at 20 for me. In a way, I still wish for that, but when I think about it from another perspective..stopping time at 20 would mean that I wouldn't have met so many new friends and pple who've impacted my life greatly the last 2 years.

And I wouldn't wanna give any of them up, ever.

Like I always say..everything happens for a reason. Cause and effect, that's how the world continues.

Life is happiest when you allow it to be. =)

i scribbled at
12:41 PM

Thank god I managed to get out of the house, away from the storm.

Solace in running, something I haven't felt the need to do for quite awhile now.

I was desperate to the point of wanting to jump from the balcony. Heng I stay on the 2nd floor.

Thankyouu lings, for always covering up for me..if you said no to running, I think I would really have jumped. Haha..

Feel loads better now, after venting my frustrations at ecp and in a letter. Thank you too, for taking in my emo-ness and exasperation.

Feels good to run again, and it's really much easier at ecp as compared to ntu. No crazy slopes, don't have to look out for traffic..I should make this a habit. Plus, it gives me a legitimate reason to get away from what upsets me.

Ling is right; I can't be running away from the problem forever. No matter how much I want to move out or look for a job which requires a high intensity of travel, it's not going to help solve my problem.

Just like I was telling lings, the days I stayed in hall were the best. Only go home on weekends, no chance to argue or start cold wars. I definitely prefer it that way; only thing I didn't like was not being able to spend more time with daddy.

Offices should come with dormitories too. For problematic employees like me. Haha.

Don't know tmr how. Chiong to take photos then chiong back home before her. Abit hard, but if all goes well, I should be able to do it. Must plan my time carefully..

Sounds so tiring right. Like playing a cat-and-mouse game. Don't know why am I doing this either. But I hate the feeling of being imprisoned within my own home. What the heck, it doesn't even feel like a home.

Heng this house has 2 storeys; I can hide at whichever level she isn't at.

That line sounds damn wrong. Haha. But I swear, that's what I've been doing the whole night.

Damn tiredd of this life.

How long more does she plan to control me like this anyways. Once I start work, what can she do to me right.

Amazing at how this is turning out to be my greatest motivation to find a job now. So I can stay away from home and her.

Heck, I should just find a job overseas.

Shall start looking tomorrow. Meet less often, less friction, which equates to less conflict.

And in my opinion, that sounds the best now.

Human relations are so....arghh.

i scribbled at
11:46 PM

I finally own a watch once more, after not wearing one in years.

Ever since a limited ed watch was scratched, and I got super xin tong, I told myself I won't wear watches anymore. Haha.

But yesterday I saw a very pretty watch! Not pretty as in elegant-pretty, but pretty as in girly-pretty. Wheee! And it wasn't ex, plus I was in a total shopaholic mood, so I bought it! =)

Suddenly, I'm drawn to every gorgeous watch I see advertised. This is bad! Cos' they're all expensive watches and I like them all!! Yikes.

I just realised I sound freaking bimbo in the last few lines. Ohmygoshh. Jobless still, yet rambling on about expensive watches. Sounds damn wrong la.

Spent my entire afternoon jobhunting! Planning to apply for quite a few which I hope I'm suitable for, but gotta tailor my resume first...ultra tedious job la.

I still don't really know what I wanna do though. Then again, I'm not exactly in a position to pick and choose. I should be lucky to land a job, any job...right? Given that the job market isn't exactly good now, either.

Siann.

I miss my studying days muchlyy! I wanna go back to being an undergrad. =(

I miss hall life..I hate home life. Hate the restrictions and boundaries within which I'm confined. Twenty-two and counting, yet being treated like I'm two.

Why just can't she understand that there's a reason for everything I do, everywhere I go? Just let me have this little bit of freedom while it's still available to me...once everyone starts school/finds a job/goes overseas you can chain me at home for all you like.

I'm so tempted to dive back into my initial plan of finding a job overseas. Or whatever position now which requires tons of travel, I'll be more than happy to accept if they want me. Just let me get away from this crap la.

I'm sorry to say that you won't be the one I miss the most, though by right, I should. There's only one person I would ever miss for all of eternity, and he's gone.

I hate promising you things, cos' deep down, you and I both know that I don't always mean it. I did say I'll try, and maybe I'm still not trying hard enough. For that, I'm sorry. I really am. But I can't take it, just like how you can't tolerate my "nonsense" either.

We're just meant to clash, right from the start. It's been this way ever since I was old enough to recall memories. I'm sorry for whatever crap I've thrown upon you, that you've had to tolerate in the name of a parent, whatever unfilial acts which I'm supposed to have committed them all.

I'm just too tired to continue trying. Every word I say must be carefully weighed, every action properly thought out. It's a tiring life to live according to your rules. And when I don't, I get hell. Physical hell, I can deal. Not mental hell. Not mental.

Let me reiterate, I'm freaking twenty-two, not two. Thanks for your concern, I understand where you're coming from, but please, for god's sake, listen to my views and opinions, and trust me when I really say I can take care of myself, I know what Im doing.

Yes I am that unfilial daughter to you, as always, and I'm sorry for it. But as long as we can't meet halfway, I don't think this impression will ever change, no matter what I do.

Sorry for all the things I've done and never done, words I've said and never said, for not being your ideal daughter in more ways than one.

Maybe I'm too immature to see your whole point. And you, mine.

After blasting everything out here, I may regret tmr what's typed here. But for now, it's what I truly feel. And I suspect, for a long time to come.

I just want to leave all these for awhile and go to someplace where you can't reach me. Even if only for a night.

Last night, the urge to stay out was so strong, I'm amazed I managed to will myself home.

Why can't life stay frozen at 20?...

I was never meant to be the peacemaker between us both. Daddy I'm sorry, but I really can't do it. Not the way you could, and wanted. Im sorry..

I miss you so muchh.

i scribbled at
5:02 PM

I think I've been rather lazy to blog lately. Or maybe I'm getting lousy at forming words into sentences and paragraphs to show how I feel.

Convocation came and went, and it's left me with a rather empty feeling inside. To put it more aptly, it's a bittersweet emotion.

I still remember nbs foc as my first memory of ntu. The fun, the laughter, the lack of sleep, sand, sun, sweat, water...getting ridiculously dirty with flour, soya sauce, every over thing imaginable..

And the friendships forged.

Following the crazy fun were lectures and tutorials..gone are the days of trying to wake up on time for 8.30am classes, only to succuumb to sleep eventually. Worrying over undone tutorials and the tons of projects and presentations which formed a core part of my ntu life..the frequent suppers, walks in the middle of the night, jogging around ntu, star-gazing..

3 years has really passed by in a flash. And all too soon, we're all dressed in identical academic dresses with the mortarboard pinned firmly atop our heads. Suddenly, the weight of the world starts to sit on our shoulders, even as the innocence of being students starts to wear off.

It's bye to classes, skipping tutorials, gossiping over lunch, agonising over projects and datelines, feeling totally at home at school...and hello to the real world.

For me, I don't know if I'm lucky or not, but I'm still standing on the line which separates these 2 worlds. No longer a student, but not yet a working adult. Maybe it's precisely because of my position, that I can see so clearly what I've reluctantly left behind, and what I'm hesitant to step into.

I haven't described aptly all that I feel, partly cos' it's a mess of emotions, and partly cos' I'm losing my ability to be descriptive. Haha.

But really, "bittersweet" is the most suitable word to use now.

I don't wanna have to grow up so soon, but all good things must come to an end.

Just always remember to keep those memories close by, and the hardships in life will be easier to bear.

A new chapter in life now..no idea what it'll bring about, but whatever I have around me now, they make me happy. Whether people, things, or events.

I'm enjoying an addiction of the sweetest kind now, and loving every moment of it. Maybe it's one-sided, maybe it won't last much longer, maybe it'll just be a fleeting memory one day but...for now, I'm just cherishing it as best as I can. =) It's seldom that I meet people who can make me feel this way. Haha.

Happiness is..... =)

i scribbled at
3:33 PM

I don't know how to get started on whatever's on my mind.

It's such a huge mess that I've gotten myself into.

What started out as a simple joke, actually progressed into something I suddenly feel I have no control over.

But maybe, just maybe, everything can be back to before once more.

The timing is just not right la. If it were before..who knows, things may have worked out. For now..I don't want to be unfair to anyone.

On a happier note, yesterday was indeed a day of surprises! I totally loved the cloudy sunset and the place, to the point of being able to put up with the bloodsucking mosquitoes.

Thankyouu for keeping your promise and bringing me to such a pretty place! I want to go to the number one chio place okays? =p

Sometimes I don't know where all this is going either..it just seems so perfect, and for some reason, I've been to so many picture-perfect places with you that would seem wrong with anyone else.

Maybe like what we say, it's an addiction! One of the best kinds, in my opinion. =)

I don't want these days to end. I really love every moment and look forward to the next.

I know I've been thanking you lots, but here goes once more: thanks for bringing so much smiles, laughter and happiness into my life. *huggs*

=)

i scribbled at
3:41 PM

I've been thinking about how I want to blog down my ocip trip to Cambodia, but decided against a proper format. So here goes nothing! Utter randomness. =D

I must admit...I embarked on the trip with both idealistic ambitions and some disappointment. The first day or so really passed by ultra slowly for me..to the point that I wanted to come back home. But after settling down in BBLC, let's just say that I wish we could stretch the 12 days much, much longer.

I've learnt so much there, both from my students, and about my students. Not to mention, my own dearest Cam'On teammates, about Cambodia, and also about myself. To call the trip an eye-opener just doesn't do justice to my experiences. It's just so, so much more.

I miss Cambodia so much, I wanna just fly over there now and go to BBLC. I miss some of my students so much, I wish they were here with me. Especially the darling I call my little cambodian sister. =)

Although we had conflicts during our time there, some skirmishes here and there, I'm glad the 14 of us came out of it wiser, more tolerant, and understanding of one another. The friendships forged on this ocip, whether within Cam'On or with the cambodians, is something I will forever cherish and hold close to my heart. Thank you so much everyone, for the pure happiness that filled me during our time spent together. =)

I think Cambodia is one of the countries I really love. I am definitely going back there, no matter what. First stop on my list? BBLC. And first person I want to see? Lyny. =)

It's so ironic that the person I became closest to over there wasn't from my morning session class. And I never expected us to have so much in common. We both have big dreams haha. Similar dreams. =) I really miss her, my dear diplomat. Lol. And I'm so touched that she couldn't hold back her tears on farewell day, when she's never one prone to tearful farewells. *misses*

As for Cam'On..I just really wanna thank you guys for the fantastic memories we've forged together as a team. I've seen some pretty wonderful sides to people, and I'm so glad that I got the opportunity to know all of you better. Sometimes, first impressions just can't be counted. Lol. And thank you all for the care and concern over my "little monthly problem" haha! I'm really very touched, to the point of amused irritation at not being allowed to even carry my own bag. =p

But really, I love all of you, girls and guys SREYS. =D Let's not lose contact, at least for awhile more okays? I know it takes effort, and maybe I'm just the kind who doesn't know how to let go, but I really want Cam'On to stay this way. =)

This entry has been uber random la. I think I didn't even cover the main points of the trip haha. But the next few entries may contain greater details! Can't wait to get my hands on our many GIGABYTES of photos and videos. =D

I miss...
Our time in BBLC with the students.
Our trips to Pol market with them.
The rides on their bicycles and motorbikes.
Toffee.
The hilarious roadbuilders and all the gay shots we took.
KTV session at zitta's house.
Sloshing around in the mud whenever it rained.
Stepping around "black gold".
The happiness at having "lor bak" for our meals. =D
Our trips to siem reap town and phnom penh.
Facilitation sessions.
Chionging into the supermarket like some deprived maniacs lol.
Crazy bridging sessions, anytime, anywhere.
The "toilet drinking game". =p
Blue Pumpkin.
Bargaining like mad during shopping.
Freaking out over pervertic spiders and huge insects and Bobby the gecko.
The sunset, rainbow, starlit nightsky, fireflies.

That's a very long, but incomplete, list.

Above all, I miss everyone, and every single memory. Thank you for bringing happiness to my life once again, after last december.

Loves. =)

i scribbled at
2:14 PM

Omgoshh, it just hit me that I'm flying in less than 2 days, and I have nothing packed. Absolutely nothing.

*faints*

What the heck, I haven't even gotten everything I need la. Seems like there are tons of stuffs I need to buy, some things I need to go back to my tpy home to take, then I have to assemble everything and squeeze them into a 55litre backpack.

And I have this tendency to overpack. Shittt. =(

Can't decide if a backpack or pull luggage is better. On one hand, I don't wanna have to throw everything out of the backpack just to reach for something at the bottom, but I don't wanna lug my luggage over uneven paths either.

Arghhhh!

Maybe I should concentrate on doing up my packing list first, before worrying about which bag to bring.

And I don't know why I have more than one packing list.

I'm getting a serious headache from all this packing crap. Usually it's not a problem for me, but this time...I don't know what to pack, cos' I don't really know what to expect!

I just know that I'm going to come back looking like charcoal. And I don't wantttt. =(

I look horrible when I'm damn dark la. I wanna stay this colour..or slightly darker. How how how...building road in the afternoon sun is going to kill.

Think 36 deg celsius for more than a week. Sobs.

Okay, shall stop whining. Haha. I'm in an uber good mood! Abit of a rushed lunch just now, but I enjoyed the company all the same! Personal transport rocks, and I'm not talking about my vampire car. Lol. Thanks for going to the trouble!

Dinner later with my darlings! I only wish everyone could be there.

On another happy note, jc's going to be discharged today! Yippeeee. =)

My blogpost is so random, I don't quite know what I'm typing either. Haha.

This week has been great!

One last random blabber: I received an all-chinese postcard and actually managed to understand every single word! Damn proud of myself haha. =D

Happyness!! =)

i scribbled at
3:46 PM

It seems as though everytime I meet up with my ISP teammates, there's bound to be disappointing news. =(

First jc had an accident, so he's gotta pull out. Then bern withdrew to stay behind with him in sg. Next, poor shimin came down with chicken pox. And now, dear wanqi has to stay behind because the incubation period for chicken pox won't be over for her by the time we fly on sunday.

I am damn sadd. =(

Although I've always wanted to go on one of such CIP trips, I never exactly planned on going alone. Which is why having bern withdraw is a big enough disappointment to me. Okay, to be fair, we've all become rather fast friends, but it still doesn't cover the fact that I joined thinking I would have my bff alongside me.

Ohwells. This trip has simply been fraught with troubles, especially in recent weeks. Really quite a test of our team strength and unity, and still I wonder, will we be able to cope just fine in cambodia..?

I have absolute faith in everyone on the team; I just hope that there won't be anymore drastic and sudden changes before sunday. Everyone's pretty sian diao, I can tell. So am I.

It just won't seem as fun as I'd initially envisioned.

And I'm getting nowhere with our dance practices. The steps to hip hop and chinese dance just can't seem to come as easily to me as with other dances before. I don't understand why! Arghhh.

But I was told just now that I have the chinese dance look. Omgoshh to the max la! If I can dance well, still not so bad. Problem is, I can't dance to save my life!

On a sidenote, the past 2 nights have been pure fun! And coincidences aplenty. I never thought 2 people could have so much in common haha.

And being driven around is funnn! =D You get to drive, I get to be driven. Yippeee.

I am so gonna miss suppers and carspins and bike rides when I fly to cambodia. But most of all, I'm gonna miss those who won't be going with us. =\ Tkkaire in sg okays!

And to the one who rides far from carefully...stay safe on the roads! =)

i scribbled at
12:31 AM

I woke up this morning and almost thought last night was a dream.

I'm so glad it wasn't! =)

I haven't had so muchh fun in ages..not since dec 31st. Okay, to be fair, I've had some really happy times spent with friends since then. But last night was just..different.

That carefree feeling of having no restrictions, laughing like mad, going to wherever popped into mind..

I love carspins!!

It'll be the bike next time, alrights? And then, in 2 years' time, you'd better have your power car so that I can have a ride! Wheee!

Thanks for the really fantastic night out. Loves!! =)

i scribbled at
11:20 AM