And so, it seems that lack of a vehicle doesn't just affect me after all.

Is a gathering harder to organise without one?

This kind of feeling is..I don't know.

I'm probably reading too much into it, but it's abit unsettling to have the presence of a car impact a decision more than the people themselves.

I suddenly feel like I'm losing everything all over again. The deja vu kind of feeling, almost a year back. That sense of loss and helplessness, wanting to destroy the strong facade and just simply..

crumble.

i scribbled at
1:04 AM

The situation hasn't gotten any better, but I'm not really complaining. Cold wars of this kind don't upset me very much. I'm pretty glad to give my poor ears their much needed rest actually.

But poor lings has had to put up with my complaints the whole night. Haha. Thanks my darling coussie. You're the best! Was supposed to go out with her to sort out her pre-wedding load of things to do, but she ended up having to tahan my barrage of fiery indignation and outburst. Oops.

Guess I should have known things would come to this someday..just didn't really know when.

It's really too bad that we're not meant to be close in this life. I can only say that fate was playing a trick on us when we became mother and daughter. It's not meant to be la, seriously.

I used to envy those who shared an ultra close r/s with their mums. But not anymore. Cos' I know it's something I will never get; what's the point in hankering after it?

Even if you ask me now, my earliest memories of you aren't exactly pleasant. And let's face it, we were never, ever close. Like what I was telling lings, although we can get along well sometimes, it's just a girl thing la okay. Women tend to bond more easily, even among strangers. Let alone family.

My memories dredged up are those I'd rather keep hidden. Of arguments and screams, tears and fury which typically ended with daddy being the peacemaker. Even when it wasn't my fault. I mean, come on, how much fault can a girl of 2 or 3 years old be at?

You've never had control over your emotions. Face it. And everyone suffers alongside you when you fly into one of those oh-so-common tantrums.

Now that I think about it, I really don't have happy memories of you and I. It's always of daddy, daddy and daddy. He was the one who would pick me up from childcare with a milk bottle waiting in the car; the one who would carry me to bed when I fell asleep in front of the tv. The one who would console me when I got yelled at for no reason. The one who gave my pretty stars for work well done, which in turn translated to well-deserved rewards. The one who would sit with me every night to make sure I understood my homework.

The one who loved me unconditionally and never, ever hit me. The one who never once compared me to other kids or put me down by saying I would never make it big. The one who believed in me, trusted in my decision not to follow the mainstream academic road and let me pick what I wanted to study. Even while you decided that I would have a dim future.

Everything you never did for me, he did them all.

Now tell me, is there any reason why I should be closer to you than I was to him? Any reason why I should love you more than I've ever loved him?

Granted, you love me too. You've done many things for me. But can't you understand that what I want, what I really yearn for, is not material love? But something with more substance, something which reaches deep down into the heart. An understanding and acceptance for who I really am.

I don't hate you, even though you piss me off so bad at times I just wanna throw pointy things. But please learn to accept the fact that I'll never be the perfect daughter you've always wanted. Or that we will never be as close as you dream of. I will never shirk my duty as a daughter, that much I can say.

And that's all.

I think I've pretty much gotten most things off my mind. It's time to draw a close to such a ridiculous relationship. Where I feel like I'm a prisoner in my own home, bounded by stupid rules and demands which a person like me shouldn't have to face. I'm sick and tired of putting up a pretence just to make you happy, while I suffer inside and be someone I'm not.

I have had a fairly good upbringing; almost anyone can attest to that. I think I've done pretty good by you and everyone else.

Don't ask for so much just because you think you're entitled to. You always say you're my mum and you don't owe me a thing; I'm the one who should always be the subservient one and be a nice, good girl who listens to every word you say. Fuck that thinking man.

There's a limit to everyone's patience.

And I've just reached the end of mine.

Sorry, but take it or leave it. I no longer give a damn.

i scribbled at
11:53 PM

Wanted: 22 year old female driver with 5 months driving experience, and able to stay on 110% alert at ALL times while driving.

It sounds like an ad looking for myself, except that I don't fulfil the 110% alert criteria. Please, seriously, find me someone who does.

Then I accept defeat, I'll shut up forever and never think about driving again.

Confiscate the car keys lor, sure why not. Go ahead la. It's just unfortunate that the car wasn't purchased in my name.

Doesn't matter. I'll see what you can do to me when I dangle the keys to MY own car in front of your eyes. Too bad, it won't be happening anytime very soon..I'll give myself a year to buy my own set of wheels though.

It's not so much that I need my own car damn badly. Or that I love driving so much, I'll die without a car. I was surviving just fine before I got my license, and will continue to survive just as well without one.

I'm just trying to be a spiteful bitch who wants to get the last laugh. So sue me.

You claim that you're not putting stress on me while I'm behind the wheel. Yeah fuck that la. Define your version of stress to me and if I accept it, I'll shut up from now on.

Get a life, seriously. I almost have this burning desire to watch you (finally) get a driver's license and go on to drive on the roads. Then we'll see how easy peasy it actually is to stay on full alert at all times.

Wow this sounds so fun, I can't wait.

Loaded with sarcasm to the max.

I'm not going to give you the freaking satisfaction of watching me flounder without a car. Cos' I won't. Take it away and sell it, really. I never did like this model very much in the first place. At least now I can start thinking of what car I want to buy next, and save up for it.

And when I do purchase it in my own name, I'll see what you can do to me.

Better yet, I should just go get a bike license and accidentally leave my license lying around for you to see when I do get it. And heck, might as well get a set of 2 wheels while I'm at it.

Please la. Get it into your thick head that there are no perfect drivers out there. People are bound to make mistakes sometimes, some more serious than the rest. I have never called myself a good driver, but I know for a fact I'm not a fucking lousy one.

And stop comparing me with daddy because we aren't the same. He made his fair share of silly mistakes while behind the wheel as well. You nagged at him assuming he could take it, because his character was just so darn fantastic that he took it all in without complaints.

I'm not like him, and I'm not going to say sorry for that. Take it or leave it. I know how to drive a car, I'm the one with the license. Incidentally, I also see things which happen on the roads from a different perspective as compared to you, and unlike you sitting comfortably in the passenger's seat, I have to look out for many different things at one time and judge situations as best as I can.

So shut up already. Take the bloody car keys and sell the goddamn car, I don't give a fucking damn.

I'll make you eat your words one day, I swear.

And I never do swear. You always make me break all my rules, for the wrong reasons.

Thanks for nothing.

i scribbled at
9:51 PM

Just came back from supper with my favourite person! =)

And it took me a record 12mins to get home from his place to mine. Wheeee. Traffic lights were good tonight. =p

Going out with you always makes me ultra happy cos' I get to ramble all sorts of crap to you, share about anything and everything and simply have fun. I really love the way we open up and share with each other!

I know I've said this countless times, but I'm gonna say it again. I'll always be here for you k! Not out of obligations or otherwise; simply because I want to, and because I know you're always there for me too, rain or shine.

It's people like you who breathe meaning into the words true friendship.

Love you to infinity and beyond! *huggs*

Anyhows, shifted office today and spent the afternoon walking cautiously among tons of boxes and tables and unpacking a thousandmillion things. I like the new office! Though it's more open concept than before, especially for the designers. I finally have space on my table to place all kinds of stuffs on it! Yippeee. =)

Haven't figured out exactly how to walk there and take the lift up, cos' I drove down today. Nevermind, shall just wake up a little earlier to recce my way there on tuesday. Haha.

Sometimes I do wonder how life would be like if certain things happened differently..yet at the same time, there's always this awareness of the fact that everything happens for a reason, and that cause and effect is a never-ending cycle.

Some situations are better off status quo, instead of hankering after the impossible. I've learnt to live and let live, and to let go of alot of things which I previously would have constantly tried to change.

And in the process, I think I've grown up quite a fair bit. I still do appear scatterbrained and ditzy at times, with a devil-may-care attitude, and I think many people don't really know the real me. I'm not as stupid as I may sound, not as childish as I may seem, not as bimbotic as I may behave. Life is muti-faceted, and I'm an individual of many facades.

I think I'm less happy and carefree than I was 2 months ago. More stress now, greater pressure to perform and missing my student life muchlyy. Am really seeing the differences between two individuals, of whom one is a working adult and the other, a carefree student.

The stark contrast is really glaring.

These two kinds of lifestyles are hard to mix; they're like two parallel lines which will never meet. I'm feeling the differences more and more, and it's something not within my control.

I do have some slight regrets though, about not controlling better what I could have controlled before. Instead of letting it come to this.

You still know me best after all. No matter what the words I say, you can read right into the depths of my heart and mind. I sometimes suspect you know me even better than I do myself. The revelations when with you always make me think and ponder..

It's time to really, really let go. I see it more and more as the days pass. It will eventually cease to exist, but I know that at the end of it, no matter how sad I may be, I can always count on you to brighten up my darkest nights.

Thank youu. =)

i scribbled at
1:57 AM

All hail the long weekend!! And mine has started already. =D

Gotta move office on sunday, but I'll leave that till when sunday comes round. Haha. Helluva hectic day today running around and going bonkers with the office network disconnected. Ended up chionging home while the sun just set in the horizon (amazing can!) to email urgent stuffs out. Happened to be the perfect excuse not to stay back and help the guys pack. Oops.

Dinner with lings followed by some shopping and KTVVVV! Happiness can! Totally got my ktv fix and geri is a happy girl now. All stresses of the week washed away in 3hours of singing. And also a ridiculous amount of money paid to sing on a freaking friday night. Hahaha.

Still wondering how to spend the first part of my day tmr..before chalet bbq for dear anders' 1st birthday celebration! Hope it's fun..and I wanna play mahjong!

Really uber glad to have a break the next 3 days. Need to seriously start sorting out my work stuffs when we move to the new office. And all the crap I gotta prioritise.

Brain functions kinda slowing down at 3plus in the morning; a sleepy geri maketh a nonsensical geri.

Gotta crash...ciao~!

i scribbled at
3:22 AM

I just realised that I spend a ridiculous amount of money each month. Omgoshh to the max!

Now that I'm suddenly left with no more tuition kids, it's time to tighten the purse strings and stop the incessant cashflow outwards. Since I'm not as willing to compromise on going out less, I shall just have to curb spending whenever I'm out.

Whoever hangs out with me from now on (usually only that selected few), stop me from impulse buys and attas dining choices okays! Your help is greatly appreciated. =D

Came across a really meaningful webby today which started to make me think:

What do you want to do before you die?

Such simple words, yet such a thought-provoking line. And the use of polaroids made me miss the spontaneity of it all.

Someone told me, in answer to my msn nick: go out with the one you love.

I love many people, in all the different ways. For me, love is a multi-faceted thing. But the one true love I have yet to meet..wells. I'm not very bothered by it anymore. Even if I were to die tomorrow and I have yet to meet him, then so be it.

After all, the one I love the most is no longer around, anyway.

But really, before I die, I want to just give and receive hugs. Make the people around me smile. Cos' when I know they're happy, I'll die happy, too.

That's what I want. =)

The time to myself at home today made me recall the days before I started working. Now, time alone is so hard to come by. I can't take MC or leave without giving some thought to what goes on in the office, and the status of my projects.

Is this how it's going to be like the next few years?

Talking to the bff made me think again about what it is that I really want; the dream deep down inside which I want to fulfil soon. Hopefully before I hit 30. Seeing as how it's almost end 2008..that gives me about 7 more years. Judging by my current pay, it's a pretty tough call to raise that much capital. If my working hours weren't so long, I can at least take on more than one job.

So many paths in life to take, but only one will lead to an ideal ending. I wonder, just how do people decide which path is the right one? Follow your heart, or follow logic? Where logic is bounded by societal expectations, responsibilities and simply what is "right".

Sometimes, just being willing to take risks isn't enough. Reports of those whose risk-taking attitudes pay off are merely 1 out of 10. And there are so many other factors to consider in risk-taking, aside from the moolah involved.

Maybe it's better not to get married at all. Then I won't be tied down by having a family to support. I used to think that getting married would be a real big deal in my life; I still do entertain that thought from time to time, dreaming of my perfect wedding. But as the years pass, that thought grows dimmer and dimmer.

Perhaps I've become a committment-phobe after all this time. Perhaps I learnt the wrong things from my ex. Although I'm glad he finally picked up something in the time we were together. Something which we argued over, something which I could never compromise. The something which, unfortunately, told me he wasn't for me.

Cherish your family.

This has been a fairly long blogpost, and pretty reflective to a certain extent. Shucks I sound like I'm writing some history or social studies essay. Certain extent indeed.

I guess this is what being home all day does to you. Plus the rainy weather which simply mutes every kind of hyperactive mood..daddy would have felt gloomy without the sun.

Suddenly I feel like going to his niche and just sit there and talk, while he listens like he always used to. They should open 24hours, really. People like me have no time to go when they're open in the day..

It's going to be a year soon..time passes so fast. But the wound hasn't healed very much. And even if it does heal someday, the scar will be forever.

Before I die, what I really want is to see you again.

i scribbled at
11:09 PM

As predicted, I'm really on mc today..bahh.

3rd time in 2 months. If a new hire can get sacked for this, I probably would. >_<

And I feel damn bad cos' my project is still outstanding and now my poor colleague has to take on this crap on top of her mountain of workload..I think she isn't too happy about it, if her msn nick is anything to go by.

Sighh.

Can't wait for this project to end.

And dang, it looks like my vetting skills suck..albeit for different languages. Hope my boss won't get too pissed with the email from another client..seems that my performance appraisal during this probation period isn't going to be very glowing.

I feel abit lost trying to work from home without all the info and materials in my office comp.

And this crazily sharp clap of thunder just scared the living daylights out of me la! Omgoshh.

Feeling abit stoned and sleepy..maybe it's the medicine. Plus the rainy weather.

Shit la I'm really worried about work. Shouldn't have gone on mc today.

Great, now I sound like a slave to my work.

Okays laters.

i scribbled at
12:21 PM

And my monthly nightmare is here again..looks like it's gonna be another sleepless night of cold sweat and rolling around tonight.

Sian to the max.

Lost all mood to blog too..emotions have been yoyo-ing like crazy the past week. The lowest culminating in a barrage of tears, and the highest over the weekend when I went clubbing with the girls.

Been diligently staying off all things cold and liang but I blew it all with a night of alcohol and ice-cold stuffs. Ohwells. Knew what I was getting myself into so...can't complain much here.

But I really had fun. =)

Still trying to get the pics from jb cos' the file size is simply too huge. Can't wait to collate them all haha.

Suspect that I may very well end up at home tomorrow instead of work..haii. Means wasting money on mc yet again. Unless I'm lucky enough for the cramps to keep away from me.

Damn annoyed over something but at times, I just can't be bothered. I mean, why should I? Who are you to me? I don't have to care so much at all actually. If I did that for everyone I knew, I'd be one busy girl indeed.

It's true, sometimes you must know the limits as to how far to go. Stop lines were invented for a reason; keep within the boundaries.

That's a reminder to self.

Tired. It's been a long day. And OT made me miss the birthday dinner. Not that I would have been very sane while cramping..it was nice to have blk 85 bakchormee with lings though. =) Thank goodness I managed to lun through dinner/supper.

Someone told me today that I'm the girl who always understands him. I'm glad you think that way, cos' the reverse is true for me too. I really thank god for letting you come into my life, cos' I don't know how I'd have survived the ups and downs in my life without you. Loveyou. Really. =)

And I thought I understood someone else pretty well but..maybe not, after all.

It's gonna be a long and painful night.

Brace.

i scribbled at
10:33 PM

This week is so freaking busy, yet it feels like it's passing so slow. Strange.

And I've learnt something today; that I don't know is a dangerous phrase to use, especially when it concerns work. I suppose when you're forced into a corner by a client, there's little other vocab your brain will think of.

At least, that's for me.

Although I dislike it that she's forcing me against a wall with nowhere to go, when I think about it again, she has her own boss to answer to as well.

That's life at work..it's a vicious cycle. She says things like I'm making it hard for them to continue working with us..and I just hope I'm not costing my company a project.

It was so ironic when I told her I wasn't sure about something, and she was so bloody exasperated that she said I'm always unsure about everything; how new can I be?

How new indeed. Try fresh grad in her first job for little over a month.

Feel quite bad that after pushing tuition timing back a few times, I ended up having to work OT till I had to cancel tuition eventually. And his 'O's english paper is next week. Heng I have a really understanding kid..

Starting to feel abit more drained. Not so much of work; more of the human relationships and the complexity surrounding it, especially when it has to do with clients and their bosses and your bosses and whatnot..the list continues.

On a different note, shifting office to somewhere much nearer to home! But I don't know if that's good or not..cos' instead of taking a train which runs like clockwork and sends me to lavender in 8mins every morning, I will potentially be faced with waiting for buses during the morning rush hour, then having to walk a distance to office from the bus stop. Shall see how it goes. I'm not complaining though; having it pretty good as compared to my other colleagues.

And I'm still working at this hour..though not from office. Quite tired actually. Still owe my cousin a photo video I promised to do up. Haii shit la. Tonight don't have to sleep liao..

I wanna wrap up the design visuals soon..email her then get started on the video..then hopefully sleep before 2am..

Tomorrow's another long day.

i scribbled at
10:52 PM

Haiya shucks I'm always slow in running for the bathroom!

Second time in a row tonight..and now I'm the last left to shower. =(

Haha. Was telling partner this over msn and he found it funny. Haven't spoken to him in like a thousandmilliongazillion years!! Still remember the times back in ntu when he'd be the one encouraging me when things got bad..and all that "siao eh!!" rubbish..and how he always bullied me. HAHA.

Here's to 3 years plus of "partnership"!! =D

I am so lucky actually. I have really wonderful people in my life! Wheeeee.

Went running jogging walking with the sister at eastcoastpark just now! Okay so we ran a little bit. She ran more though, cos' she was there earlier. Haha. Damn shuang to chill out in the cooling breeze at the jetty! And we bitched about all kinds of things..though mainly one topic. Lol.

Bonding over an ultra wrong topic!

My msn nick. Hahaha. Really the wrong kind of topic la. And she got her haircut!! I need one too!!

I love the beach! Yippeeee. It's been a pretty good sunday after all..dinner was good too! Thanks for making time to meet me for dinner! It's usually you agreeing to my request. Hahaha. Next time we try the crab near MY place la okays. Guaranteed good! And don't be lazy about the crabshell. =p

Okays I think it's finally my turn to go shower. Chiong ar!!!

i scribbled at
11:36 PM

I haven't been able to spend a sunday morning so gloriously for the longest time!

Okay, not that it's anything ultra fantastic, but I totally loved the past hour, enjoying breakfast and then curling up on the sofa with baby blues! Just sitting there reading and laughing at my comic while the birds are chirping outside the balcony..

Happiness! =)

Tuition later all the way till evening but..for now, nothing much can spoil my mood. =p

Unless, of course, my dear client contacts me. *cross fingers and prays really hard*

That text message spoilt yesterday night for me la..supposed to be so fun having supper with a huge group of friends, but at the back of my mind, I kept worrying about the time. Bleahh. Am so glad that my darlings were there to make me go totally crazayyy! Or rather, laugh like crazy. Ultra destressing! Haha.

I still prefer the prata at casuarina though. That shall be our next supper spot alrights! Ohh dear, all the calories piling up like nobody's business. Oops.

Feel quite bad that I had to rush home to send out the email to the client though..or bern wouldn't have had to reach home so late. Can split the locations better..but wells, I would have gotten crazy shit from my mum too. Sians.

One hand mum, other hand client. Puiiii.

Ohh went for fish spa with lings that day! And the most ironic thing is, the one who dragged me there (a.k.a her), was the one so traumatised she grabbed my arm till it was practically out of its socket. Lol. It's a pretty interesting experience! And very tension-relieving, cos' we were so tickled we kept laughing non-stop! To the extent the aunty working there had to ask us to lower our volume. Haha. The experience just got more "unbearable" as the fish size increased. =p

And what a coincidence la, the very day we went for the fish spa, I found out from mummy that night that the newspapers reported 2 USA states banning fish spa! And singapore's probably going along the same lines soon. To be honest, I don't really know just how clean the whole experience is, but it was pretty fun all the same.

I think I didn't cross my fingers and pray hard enough. My mobile just sounded and the name displayed on the screen totally makes me wanna strangle someone.

And this client is going to be with me for the next freaking year.

Save me, somebody. ARGHH.

I love my little nephew to the max! He's just so cute can.

And I passed my jap test! Wheeee! Let's hope lings passes hers tooo. Then can start new class together! I want back my same sensei. Haha.

Okays gotta start preparing to leave soon..my sunday is going to pass me by in a flash.

2 more weeks!!

i scribbled at
11:01 AM

If yesterday was considered bad, today was...I don't know. Indescribable.

As in, indescribably worse.

Getting screwed upside down first thing in the morning at a meeting by a client is no fun at all. Trust me on that. It's like how people always say the customer is king? Yeah.

The client is king, too. And queen and everything else.

Suddenly seeing the big picture why my probation is 6mths long. Just barely into my 2nd mth and suddenly all the shit comes at the same time. If probation had only been a month, I'd probably have a fairly glowing report.

Feel damn bad that my senior had to cover for me even though the project's actually mine..looks like I still have alot to learn about how things should have to be done.

Being the middleman is really shit. At least if I'm a designer, I wouldn't have to care about the client's tantrums or receive verbal abuse. What more a client who's several hundred miles away.

I guess I knew what I signed myself up for when I took on this job..I just didn't expect that it could get so bad, so soon.

Back in school, no matter how tutors hated us or completely screwed us, things never got very bad cos' after all, it's just school and we're just students. In the workplace..whoaa.

Major trauma.

Today's a lousy day alright..in the first place, the date itself is already a painful reminder of someone I've lost, one whom I love and respect dearly. The one I miss the most, the one I'd always turn to in times like these. A terrible day at work probably triggered the emotional overflow.

Couldn't even keep the tears in till I got home..and it was really free flow after that. Haven't cried so much in a pretty long while..and to think I told myself not to cry today. But that was before knowing that I'd have a trying day at work.

Feeling slightly better after a good cry though. One of the ways I destress..got home too late after OT, so couldn't go running. I still need to study jap, but I'm so not in the mood.

Exhausted.

At most fail then retake again..I hope I'll be given that option..only elementary level 1 and I can't handle.

Tomorrow's going to be worse if I can't deliver what we've promised. I'm already bracing myself for the worst..and praying that I'll have the strength to just go through my day no matter what happens.

I'm thankful to have my senior there today though. If not for her..I think I wouldn't stay as sane as I am now.

Please give me the inner determination I need to get through this. I know I can do it, I just need abit of reminder somehow..

I'm actually praying for tomorrow to end. So ironic, coming from someone who supposedly loves her job.

Make that like la huh. Love's too strong a word.

Then again..I've never been one afraid to love, and show it. Why should this be any different?

Shucks la I think I'm starting to ramble nonsense.

I need a break.

The darker the night, the nearer the dawn.

i scribbled at
10:14 PM

This day every year, would be a day I looked forward to.

And the weeks leading up to it, a flurry of brainstorming trying to find the perfect gift.

For the first time in my life, I don't have to rack my brains thinking of what gift, or spring a surprise celebration.

And for the first time, you're not here to celebrate it with us.

I told myself that I won't cry, because birthdays are happy occasions.

But maybe it's the onset of so many things which happened earlier today, coupled with exhaustion and pms.

An overwhelming urge to let the tears fall. And greater willpower in holding them back.

If I could just have one more day..

09 October.

Happy birthday daddy. I miss you.

i scribbled at
12:12 AM

Nightmare.

A word that aptly sums up the second half of my day. Totally shagged.

And to think just last night, I was saying that conflicts will probably happen to me soon at work.

A little too soon for comfort, apparently. Doubt I will ever get used to it.

Maybe it's a mistake to leave 2 rather new girls in charge of a project of which I don't have a very clear idea. I don't even know now, who's more at fault for the way things turned out.

Pissing off your designer is no fun at all. It's either he yells at you, or the client yells at you. Now I know why my job is kind of sai gang.

Trying not to get too stressed over the fact that I can't please everyone; though it doesn't help that I hate to make people angry. Just need to get used to the way things ought to be done..and not make silly mistakes again.

I need to be more authoritative. Really. I just don't know how far I can go, seeing as how I'm damn bloody new to this company and, what the hell, this whole industry for that matter. And I'm not stupid to begin with.

Sighh.

So rushed that I was utterly late for tuition. Let's not go into that. Thinking about the events make me even more tiredd.

Though I can't imagine why my student looked even more tired than I did. Beyond my understanding.

So exhausted that I cabbed back home from tpy. And was completely irritated to the max by the driver. Kept asking me where I wanted to go and I repeated myself at least 3 freaking times. And then the best part:

driver: "It's not a condo right?"
me: (wondering what business is it of his whether I stay in a condo or not) "No it's not."
driver: "Not a condo right?"
me: (annoyed) "No, it's not a condo. HDB."
driver: "It's a condo??"
me: (thoroughly irritated) "No it's not a condo!!"

What the hell la. Then he kept asking me if I knew the way. I told him like another 4 times, yes I can direct him. Just freaking go all the way straight! Kaoz.

Just bloody irritating la. So tired and hungry already, still give me this kind of crap. That 1ominutes ride really felt like an eternity.

I'm seldom so angsty, but I think the turn of events today was a little too sudden and overwhelming for me to handle. Doesn't help that I have a meeting early tomorrow with a client who can't make up her mind regarding concepts. Indecisive to the max.

Maybe I'm pms-ing too. Shucks. Hope I don't get it too soon.

On a brighter note, my copywriter and senior are really sweet. Heng they covered for me while I rushed off to tuition. Totally owe them a huge favour.

Don't know how tomorrow's gonna be like. And really no idea how designers think actually. If this one incident is going to be a permanent black mark..then all I can do is work way harder to prove myself. I don't believe in one-off incidents as a benchmark of a person's ability but..that's the way life is sometimes.

Whatever it is...just ganbatte ba!

And shit. Jap test on sat. I super don't have time to study. My fault again. Past few weeks never hit the books.

In need of the hugest comforting hugg ever. =(

i scribbled at
10:51 PM

Was just thinking about my blogging frequency , and I've arrived at the conclusion that it's my way of keeping life in check and not let my days whiz past in a blur..plus, a good way of reflecting on happenings and staying in tune with my emotions.

Used to keep diaries but I've since become pretty lazy to write. Haha. My thoughts sometimes fly in and out so fast that my fingers aren't nimble enough to keep up.

Anyhows, busy day again! This week seems set to bury me under a mountain of work. Let's hope I can survive the inevitable avalanche.

Witnessed the first case of conflict in office yesterday, and it's a darn harsh reminder of how workplace is nothing like school days. Where I'm no longer sheltered and protected by this shroud of innocence which somehow envelopes every student. I can totally foresee myself being caught in a similar situation. Just a matter of how soon. Let's hope I'll have the strength and determination to tide through all that and more!

Had a rather crash-down-to-reality conversation with my designer today, where I exclaimed in mock frustration:

me: "I just don't understand why can't they give us all their changes at one go!!"
designer: "That's why they're called the client."

It probably doesn't mean very much to those of you reading this, but it means alot to me. The underlying meaning and hidden significance. Just that simple one-liner of an answer, and it's stayed on my mind all day.

Quite a couple of things running through my mind, and I have a gazillion thoughts which I badly want to pen down. But I no longer know where is the best place to do it; just how private is my blog? Not at all, I suspect. I don't mind sharing my thoughts and feelings because I want to; anyways, I know what to filter out and what not to talk about.

I was just thinking, why is it that humans can't be simpler creatures? Why was the word "facade" invented? And while I've always understood how there are two sides to every issue just like how there are two sides to a coin, why must this same principle apply to people?

I can't think of anyone I know who doesn't have two sides (or more) to them. I know for a fact that personally, I have multiple sides to me.

Isn't it tiring to put up a facade? To treat me like a friend in front of me, but to think otherwise when I'm out of earshot. It's so complicating; I don't even know how it came to this.

Mutual trust is important la. How much you trust him, only you will know. Don't drag me into the picture because of your insecurities. It's not my problem, okay? Playing hide-and-seek is tiring when you're not the seeker. And although I don't say it, deep down, I really feel that slight bit of resentment at having to accommodate your...for lack of a better word now, unreasonable nonsense.

I'm sorry for sounding nasty, but that's the truth. I'm a direct person by nature; I don't like to hide my feelings. I do it with tact though, so much so that you may not even know I'm referring to you even if you read this.

I'm damn tiredd of losing what's important to me, time and again. Having already gone through something similar once, I'm not willing to go through it a second time. No one dictates how I should live my life, or who are the friends I should keep. I, and the friend in question, decide for ourselves.

Don't know why I'm ranting only now when this has been going on for some time. Maybe it's because I simply can no longer tolerate how you paint the picture to be. It's warped logic which only your mind can comprehend, and such a twisted version of the truth that you make me feel as though I'm committing a crime. Which is completely not the case.

Okays enough of this. I've never once let it upset me in all the times it's happened, but I really feel an inkling of unhappiness now. I can be a bitch and just confront you, but I know it's going to make things difficult for someone else, so I shan't. I'll just tolerate for now and see how long more can you continue this crap.

I don't mind going through this and being misunderstood; just don't make life difficult for others, okay? You can say whatever you like about me, I'm beyond caring. After all, the truth will come to light one day. But I don't want others to suffer the consequences of your misguided thinking.

Rantings and more rantings. Not a healthy way to end the day. Nevermind, at least I've gotten my emotions in check now.

Chill chill chillaxxx.

And I miss you so.

i scribbled at
11:22 PM

I'm supposed to be sleeping, but my hair's not fully dry yet!

Excuses and more excuses. =p

Feeling damn freaking full now la..so much for the diet I promised to go on! Or rather, a healthier diet. Hahaha.

Stupid ankle hurts arghh. I thought it was okay but looks like I hit it harder than I realised. And sorry for adding more scratches to your baobei!! >_<

Worked till fairly late today, and stef and I were completely hilarious and creating a scene while trying to lock up the office! Lol. All the alarm's fault la..so hard to activate! And the dratted staircase that made us panic over the 1 minute limit. Haha. In the end we managed to lock up the place successfully! Shall try not to end up being the last to leave in future. =p

Don't know why I was so sleepy at work today, but towards the end, got very awake! Cos' tons of work piled up. I foresee more late nights coming my way...goshh.

Dinner was great and dessert was sinful to the max!! Too bad orh luat wasn't open; I'm craving for it! At the rate that I'm eating rubbish, I'm going to be a blimp by the time ling's wedding comes around. A blimpy bridesmaid is a no-no! Heng I haven't buy my gown. Wahahaha. I'll be damn sadd if I can't fit into it la.

And something came in the mail! It's so damn fast I'm utterly amazed! Happyness can! Someone else is going to be a happy girl tooo. =)

Okays I'm going to sleep off that crazily huge ice kachang sitting in my tummy now. I promise I'm going running someday soon. Realllyyy really soon. =p

Goodnights world!

Thankyouu for the night! Loveya! =)

i scribbled at
12:38 AM

Love my weekend! =)

Been missing the feeling of utter freedom and zero parental guidance. Wheee!

If only I can do this more often. Life would be waaaay better. Hahaha.

Just like heaven. =)

And finally seen the number one chio place! Pity about the grey clouds which blocked my otherwise perfect sunset..I think my samsung mobile camera is not bad! 2 megapix can capture rather pretty photos. I am so going back there again when the weather is fantastic! Now all I need are the directions. =p

And labrador park at night is so pretty too! I don't know why, but my impression of that place since sec sch has always been rather swampy and marshy and all. Hahaha. No idea where that image came from! So totally unlike what I saw!

It's a nice feeling to go back to how it used to be like, right at the very beginning. Sorry if I wasn't highh enough as compared to usual. =p

I think I need to go on a diet. I bet many people are waiting to smack me for saying this, but I really need to!! Just because I don't look like I put on weight doesn't mean I never sia..I put on hell alot! It's freaky mans. My weight's been yoyo-ing like nobody's business the past 3 years. Goshh.

Breakfast today was sinful!! But dinner was worse! Omgoshh haha. I so totally miss having yummy breakfasts! The ones I have at work everyday don't count. Lol.

And I went to visit daddy's niche today! An unexpected and totally spontaneous decision to go..seeing as how I gotta work on thursday so I can't go, even if I want to. It's going to be so strange, the first birthday where he isn't around. The past 9 months have brought about many firsts of a nature I'd rather not have but..ohwells. Life's like that.

Anyhows, I'm just glad I got to see daddy today and share my innermost feelings. Just like the old times, when he'd listen while I talked. A little different but..it still makes me happier than usual. =)

Feeling pretty tiredd cos' I slept so darn little last night..totally didn't wanna wake up this morning! I think I'll concuss fairly early tonight.

And it's work again tomorrow..I like my job, but I don't love working so much that I look forward to my weekends ending. Haha. I guess no matter how much I enjoy what I'm doing, the high can't stay all the time. Especially after I've had a great weekend! Going back to office feels so..dreary. Hahaha.

I badly want to sing ktv! For now, I can only satisfy my craving by singing along with the music on my playlists.

Thankyouu for a weekend to remember. =)

i scribbled at
10:25 PM

A potential hectic saturday, yet, am suddenly left with..nothing to do.

Dinner with my favourite person later though. =)

The simple things in life, enough to bring a smile onto your face. To brighten up an otherwise dreary day.

And what happens after, is anyone's guess.

Something feels strange to me and I'm not too sure I can put a finger on it.

It's different from the usual, but I guess I should have seen it coming.

Whatever it is, one step at a time ya.

And for now, a sense of peace prevails, albeit a little falsely. Who's to say that history won't repeat itself? Or rather, it will definitely repeat. Just a matter of when.

Thankyouu my darling bff for absorbing my barrage of emo-ness and complaints and grumbles. I sooo miss our yakkings in hall and all the past sharing.

Someone asked me today, do I prefer studying or working?

Ask me again in a year's time alright.

And received a little disappointing news, but it's okay. At least I made the effort to try. =)

Randomness and all the more. Perfect.

i scribbled at
5:15 PM

Sometimes, I wonder how far you will really make good your endless threats.

I’ve heard them so many times over, it’s starting to feel like we’re starring in a plot akin to “the boy who cried wolf”.

I’m sick and tired of this. I should have known that the problem was never solved, and will never be solved.

A painful facade.

I was so exhausted that the tears wouldn’t come. But when they finally did, I couldn’t stop.

Isn’t it pure irony that you hate me for the words I uttered once upon a time in a fit of anger, yet the very reason I said them was because of something you said to someone else?

I never found out what it is that you said, and I never will. But I can guess, and I’m not sure I want to know if I’m right.

Ever heard of the saying, what goes around comes around?

I’ve never denied that one reason why our ties are so strained is partly because of my attitude. However, there’s a reason for everything, and I’m not one to act or react for no good reason.

You’re right in saying that history will just keep repeating itself, and the issue will never be solved. Maybe it’s because I’m not interested in solving it the way you want to. I’m selfish, yes, but you can’t expect everyone to pander to you just because you know how to make threats.

And don’t ever use threats against me. There’s a very good reason why the word “backfire” was invented.

I’ve pushed you to your limits, but so have you to mine. Don’t always make yourself out to be the victim in a story, where everyone goes against you and are all trying to drive you to an early death.

I am damn bloody unsympathetic, I know. But when I can actually go beyond feeling bad, that says a lot for what you’ve done.

Do whatever you like. If you can think nothing about creating a scene in a place that’s not even your own home, more than once, then I have nothing to say. Just leave others out of this please.

Friction of the worst kind.

i scribbled at
6:08 PM