I am super tiredd from waking up before the sun rose this morning, but I'm really glad I went down for morning
gongyo.
Sitting in the hall and chanting
daimoku..it brought a sense of peace to my heart which has been unsettled the past couple of days. I can't put it out of my mind, no matter how hard I try. But maybe it was hearing
daimoku from an entire hall of people which gave me strength.
I haven't been as devoted as I should..save for
san sho every morning and night. In fact, sometimes I even forget when I'm in a rush, or when I'm too exhausted. I've missed the feeling of letting out everything that's in my heart to the
gohonzon, where all troubles are temporarily erased while I chant. And at the end of it..I emerge stronger and less vulnerable to the problems burdening my mind. Because I cultivate within myself the determination to overcome issues and strengthen my character.
Study meeting today was wonderful too..even if I didn't catch everything that was taught, cos' the chinese can be really chim at times.
Today's topic was, literally translated from chinese, how winter never fails to become spring. Just as how all difficulties and problems will eventually be solved, and the sun is always brilliant after a downpour.
I've been reminded, once again, of how faith and belief in oneself can tide you through the worst of situations, and how the determination to see things through, no matter how tough, will culminate in true happiness.
And..even if some things may not end the way you want it to, it doesn't mean that it's necessarily the wrong outcome. You just have to ask yourself at the end of it, if you've come out of it happier. This is still something not easy for me to identify with..because certain things in life, I just cannot let go. It feels like once I let go..it will be forever lost to me.
The worst feeling of letting go by far..was watching daddy's coffin entering the furnace. That kind of pain is something that nothing else in this world can replicate. That day, a part of me died alongside the burning flames. Yet, ironically..it was because of losing him that I turned to soka. Which has taught me alot, made me understand what happiness is really about and how to achieve that kind of ultimate state..and most importantly, how to live my life. To face up to challenges and difficulties, never wavering in the face of obstacles, and how to love the people around me.
I guess I haven't done the latter well enough. I still have so much more to learn and accept..
I cried again, this time listening to the soundtrack posted on my fb. Cos' it brought back memories, and it speaks of a destined love which was eventually fulfilled. The music..is just beautiful.
I am really, really glad that I went for the
gongyo session and
gosho study meeting today..I think I can now stabilise the inner turmoil somewhat, and hopefully, find the solution which has been eluding me.
I haven't dealt with things well at all; on the contrary, I regret what I did and said.
I kind of see the big picture clearer now..and finally understand why certain things that were said, were said. I couldn't deal at first. That was my emotions talking, with no heed to the mind and reality at all.
I need the lifeforce within myself to emerge once more, to accept what I have to accept. Eventually, the tears will stop. But for now..the heart cries.
The darker the night, the nearer the dawn.This quote has gotten me past the worst in life so far. Let's hope it will continue to accompany me all through my days..
There are no problems insurmountable. No difficulty too tough to overcome. I just need the faith, the strength, the trust.
Believe me when I say I'm truly sorry..and thank you. Thankyouu for everything.. 
