Don't know why am I blogging again when I just blogged over an hour ago.

But the past hour has been hell..and I feel ultra cuii now.

Cried like there's no tomorrow. And I will really wake up tomorrow looking like crap.

Hate crying at night.

I simply couldn't stop the tears when flashbacks of happier times enveloped me..then I made the mistake of taking out the last gift I gave to daddy. I don't know mans..why did I do that? Knowing full well that the tears won't stop.

Looking at the photos just made me long so much to see and hug him one last time. All the times I've said, I'd give anything just to have him appear in front of me again. One final time.

I suddenly recalled the curious case of benjamin button..the part where, if just one thing was done differently, then maybe the outcome wouldn't be what it was.

Until today, I still blame myself for stupidly arguing with the operator of the ambulance hotline. If I had wasted less time, just insisted harder that they come immediately. Or if I didn't insist at all, and just let them send him to another hospital.

If the driver didn't take a longer route to reach the hospital. If he had been trained to take shortcuts so that the ambulance would reach A&E much faster. How could it be that I actually reached before the ambulance, when we left from the same place? And that I left later?

I have many regrets. I admit it. I wish..the doctors tried harder to save him. I wish..we knew that was going to be the day.

I had never been so scared in my life. And that is the one day in my life I will never forget. Can never forget. The entire day's events just keep replaying every now and then like some unnecessary flick.

I remember..those last words..that moment of clarity in his eyes..holding my hand and the wonder in his voice at being able to feel my hand in his..

And then it was all gone.

This kind of heartache..I could be stabbed a thousand times over and it still wouldn't hurt so much. Wounds heal. This doesn't.

And if the wounds don't heal, I'll just die from it. When someone dies, it's the living who suffer.

I know I sound really really down and cui-ed, but at this moment..I really have no strength to push away the memories and smile through my tears.

I love our happy memories together.

I just wish it could have been much, much longer.

Sybil Wagner: We're meant to lose the people we love. How else are we supposed to know how important they are? --the curious case of benjamin button

Does it really take permanent loss to realise this?..

Once is enough.

i scribbled at
9:47 PM