Have I mentioned how I
really dislike moving house?
It was bad enough having to shift hall
every year for the 3 years I was in ntu. And now, after shifting stuff to my aunt's eunos home, and from there, shifting to their new house at kembangan, I'm stuck with clearing the entire tpy house from top to bottom.
And
allll of these have to go by
sunday. Madness can!!
To think that barely a month ago, my tpy home was so neat and welcoming. Now, I can't walk half a metre without stepping on something or getting stuck on scotch tape or hitting some carton box.
Arghhh.Really hate the packing and moving and unpacking process!! =(
Wonder if we're
ever going to finish packing by sunday. And of all saturdays, this week's my working saturday. Sucks.
I think my mum's quite amazing. She's packing the bulk of the house actually, seeing as how I work till late everyday. Damn tiring having to
chiong down to pack late into the night after a whole day of work. Bleahh.
Yet, it's also during this frenzied moving process that led me to many discoveries. Digging up old, forgotten items which have lain in some hidden corner of my room for a
really long time; the excitement over finding stuffs which I thought I'd lost ages ago; most poignant, however, are the little things about daddy which I found among his belongings.
The way he itemised his things which showed the kind of organized person he used to be; the stacks of handmade cards and gifts from us over the years, all lovingly kept in good condition; the pile of personal details right from our birth times down to every single report card and test grade...the pretty, shiny stars stickers we'd get for doing well in school..
I don't know what I felt more; happiness at discovering all these treasures, or
heartache at knowing that I can't share these with him and enjoy a good laugh over funny things and memories.
I guess it's really a case of
bittersweetness.
And every single item from him, I find it so hard to throw into the beckoning dustbin. But that's what moving is all about, getting rid of things you no longer need. Sometimes, sentimental value just outweighs everything else. No matter how useless the item, you just can't let it anywhere near the rubbish heap.
My sister put it very aptly, that next time when we really move into our own new house, we'd probably have to set aside a room for daddy to put his mountain of files and whatnot. The way she said it, for that split second, it was as though he's really still around. I almost smiled.
I wonder how packing and moving would be like with him around. Probably 80% of the things at home would end up incinerated somehow. Haha. With mummy around, however, it's like
karang guni land.
Mans I miss daddy so much I keep thinking of the past. Especially lately..maybe cos' his death anni was just a couple of days back. And all these moving of things..
I don't know if I want to go to the sentosa flowers this year. I know the girls, especially zhen, want to go and capture the pretty florals and enjoy a good time together, but that place just brings back too many memories.
The first, and maybe last, time going to the sentosa flowers with daddy..taking the luge and the skyride together. I thought that would be the first of many more of the same event, together. Seems as though it was just yesterday..that day was pure bliss. I just never expected my world to crumble so soon after that day.
Okays I'm totally
not helping myself here by dredging memories which should have started healing by now. Yet, I don't know how to put it but sometimes, you just have this urge to sink into those memories and wallow in them a little longer, savouring and holding on so tightly to feelings and happiness of once upon a time. I haven't really learnt to let go, it seems. Maybe I'm lying, I haven't really been trying.
Or maybe it's because I
don't want to.
Self denial never gets a person far.
My best excuse is, wallow in those feelings and learn how it feels like, so that the next time the same emotion washes over me, I'll know how to deal with it.
I just hope I'm not lying to myself.
This kind of pain, is worse than any physical pain ever. The kind which feels as though it will never heal..and when it eventually does, you panic and worry about losing your hold over memories so dear to you.The irony of healing. 
