The situation hasn't gotten any better, but I'm not really complaining. Cold wars of this kind don't upset me very much. I'm pretty glad to give my poor ears their much needed rest actually.
But poor lings has had to put up with my complaints the whole night. Haha. Thanks my darling coussie. You're the
best! Was supposed to go out with her to sort out her pre-wedding load of things to do, but she ended up having to
tahan my barrage of fiery indignation and outburst. Oops.
Guess I should have known things would come to this someday..just didn't really know when.
It's really too bad that we're not meant to be close in this life. I can only say that fate was playing a trick on us when we became mother and daughter. It's not meant to be la, seriously.
I used to envy those who shared an ultra close r/s with their mums. But not anymore. Cos' I know it's something I will never get; what's the point in hankering after it?
Even if you ask me now, my earliest memories of you aren't exactly pleasant. And let's face it, we were never,
ever close. Like what I was telling lings, although we can get along well sometimes, it's just a girl thing la okay. Women tend to bond more easily, even among strangers. Let alone family.
My memories dredged up are those I'd rather keep hidden. Of arguments and screams, tears and fury which typically ended with daddy being the peacemaker. Even when it wasn't my fault. I mean, come on, how much fault can a girl of 2 or 3 years old be at?
You've never had control over your emotions. Face it. And everyone suffers alongside you when you fly into one of those oh-so-common tantrums.
Now that I think about it, I really don't have happy memories of you and I. It's always of daddy, daddy and daddy. He was the one who would pick me up from childcare with a milk bottle waiting in the car; the one who would carry me to bed when I fell asleep in front of the tv. The one who would console me when I got yelled at for no reason. The one who gave my pretty stars for work well done, which in turn translated to well-deserved rewards. The one who would sit with me every night to make sure I understood my homework.
The one who loved me unconditionally and never,
ever hit me. The one who never once compared me to other kids or put me down by saying I would never make it big. The one who believed in me, trusted in my decision not to follow the mainstream academic road and let me pick what I wanted to study. Even while you decided that I would have a dim future.
Everything you never did for me, he did them all.
Now tell me, is there any reason why I should be closer to you than I was to him? Any reason why I should love you more than I've ever loved him?
Granted, you love me too. You've done many things for me. But can't you understand that what I want, what I really yearn for, is not material love? But something with more substance, something which reaches deep down into the heart. An understanding and acceptance for who I
really am.
I don't hate you, even though you piss me off
so bad at times I just wanna throw pointy things. But please learn to accept the fact that I'll never be the perfect daughter you've always wanted. Or that we will never be as close as you dream of. I will never shirk my duty as a daughter, that much I can say.
And that's all.
I think I've pretty much gotten most things off my mind. It's time to draw a close to such a ridiculous relationship. Where I feel like I'm a prisoner in my own home, bounded by stupid rules and demands which a person like me shouldn't have to face. I'm sick and tired of putting up a pretence just to make you happy, while I suffer inside and be someone I'm not.
I have had a fairly good upbringing; almost anyone can attest to that. I think I've done pretty good by you and everyone else.
Don't ask for so much just because you think you're entitled to. You always say you're my mum and you don't owe me a thing; I'm the one who should always be the subservient one and be a nice, good girl who listens to every word you say. Fuck that thinking man.
There's a limit to everyone's patience.
And I've just reached the end of mine.
Sorry, but take it or leave it. I no longer give a damn.
